Intersection of Gender Identity and Gender

Over the last couple of days Chicago has played host to the AWP and there have been several offsite events that have been open to the public. I had the great fortune of attending the Ancestors: A Queer Writers of Color Reading. I loved it. Some of the finest poetry and prose that I have ever heard.

--I claim to be no expert on matters of sexuality. These are my thoughts and feelings.--
I have been trying to think of which piece got me thinking again about gender identity and how I identify on the orientation spectrum... I still can't but it will come to me. For this post's sake we will define gender identity as ones private sense of being a man or a female [wiki definition]. Simply put do you feel / see yourself as male or female or both. In it's absolute sense it has nothing to do with one's orientation. We'll define orientation as whether you are attracted to people of the same sex / the other sex / both sexes / none at all.

Something that I've struggled with is finding a place in the LGBT[add letter as needed] community. It's very difficult to explain the whys and the hows of this struggle. I self identify as queer and am attracted to people of the same sex [simple enough right]. I would peg my gender identity as male in that I relate to society in more of a cisgender male way. It has always been that way. The thought that immediately follows this is do I consider myself transgender? In a word, No.

At it's simplest, I do not feel the need to transform my physical body to mirror my gender identity. I am okay with my body. I am okay with my gender identity. What I am not okay with is the intersection between the two. I haven't figured out how to make the intersection work for me. This in turn has made it difficult to work out how I fit into the LGBT alphabet soup.

As much as I hate to admit this, the LGBT community tends to be very clique/label-centric. There seems to be a need to put labels on people and then deal with them based on that label. Because of this I choose to identify as queer if need be. I think of it as being a label that is very specific in its vagueness. Dealing with the hetero community is not as much of a challenge. I am not straight and generally that is that. The discrimination that comes out of that is fodder for another post but suffice it to say I am more aware of where I stand.

Something that occurs to me as I write this is that I might still be having issues with my sexuality. Not in the am I queer or not way, but more along the lines of in spite of being out for however many years, I still haven't fully accepted my attraction to women. Who knows? *epic shrug* I'll continue to work on being my awesome self and maybe one day the intersecting region will grow to become the whole and I won't really care whether or not I fit into the LGBT[add letter as needed] community.

Tuesday Beat: Marvin Gaye - Let's Get It On / Jill Scott - Crown Royal

February is for the lovers so enjoy double plays of Old School and New School love songs





 Bonus Isley Brothers - Between The Sheets

Tuesday Beat: Whitney Houston - I Will Always Love You / Maxwell - Fortunate

February is for the lovers so enjoy double plays of Old School and New School love songs



Bonus Toni Braxton - Unbreak My Heart

Bollocks to this!

Hmmm I've started and restarted this post a grand total of 3 times. There is so much that I want to write but it is all coming in one giant ball and my fingers can't keep up.
In life there are walls... you either scale them, tunnel under them or run through them. I hit my wall, bounced back and am now trying to figure out how to get past it. Last week was rough and this week is promising to be even rougher.
*goes off to look for armor, a sage smudge stick and a pitcher of holy water* Covering all my bases.

Tuesday Beat: Etta James - At Last / India Arie - Ready For Love

February is for the lovers so enjoy double plays of Old School and New School love songs





Bonus Tank - I Can't Make You Love Me

Tuesday Beat: Luther Vandross - If Only For One Night / Jesse Powell - You

February is for the lovers so enjoy double plays of Old School and New School love songs




Bonus Donell Jones - I Wanna Love You

Stretching that dollar

Namaste... I'm feeling zenish so why not spread it around.

For the unemployed, partially employed, mostly employed, fully employed and over employed the economy has not been too kind. I'm now partially employed so every month I have to make sure that my dollar is all that it can be.

My sister introduced me to several sites that have all sorts of dollar saving ideas be it repurposing items or cooking a little differently. I've tried out some of the ideas and am happy to report that I have begun to make a dollar out of fifty cents. Check out the following:

Pinterest - Very popular with great ideas for crafts, household goods, you name it it's probably there. We needed storage baskets and I was not about to shell out boku bucks for one of these. Boxes were turned into storage baskets by covering them with a sheet from the thrift store. The liner was made from a contrasting sheet.Total cost $2 for 2 "baskets" and it took 30 mins most of which were spent waiting for the glue to dry. [boxes were taken from our local recycling place]

Duitang - Pinterest Chinese style. You'll need to have google translate enabled for this one but it is just as good if not better. I have learnt how to build a bookshelf out of boxes and am happy to report that my niece has some très chic and sturdy bookshelves. [duct tape -multiple colors- adds to the look if you have it lying around else glue away].

Instructables - This is geek territory mostly but the recipes scattered throughout are awesome. I've learnt how to make a case for my laptop [pictured above] in 20 mins and for $12 [including the custom embroidery of my name on flap]. I took it to the next level by making it two tone and it can be used as a carrying case sans laptop.

Tried cooking / prepping all meals for the week on one day? Here are some crock pot recipes from Mama and Baby Love.

Tired of buying expensive laundry detergent? Try this recipe from One Good Thing.

Microwave popcorn anyone? Try this low cost, preservative free alternative -- LUV IT!.

Coupons, coupons, coupons. There is no shame in couponing. I do not do any extreme couponing, but I can vouch for the doubling and in store savings. I have gone to a store with $20 and come out with cough syrup for kids [stuff costs 8 bucks a pop], Theraflu, a box of 96 diapers, 4-12 packs of Pepsi, Pringles, a bottle of Irish Mist and a free pack of batteries. Took me 15 mins to check out as I bought one item [double coupon], then used its in store rebate to buy the next and so forth. Also price matching is a godsend. It's all about strategy!

May the value of every dollar that you spend be doubled. Go forth and save!

O and a belated Happy Birthday to SweetT!

Tuesday Beat: Jabu Khanyile Bayete - Umkhaya Lo

Song after my own heart.

Saturday already?

Greetings me hearties! The weekend started well for ya? Hungover? Happy from a lil morning tumble [ye who speak British English know what I mean]?

Today it's the usual rambling to help me get back into the groove of blogging. I took an extended sabbatical to make some paper & now things have finally slowed down enough to for me to pick up this lil hobby of mine again. Alrighty then ...

Umm let's see. I am still unspoken for. No rush on that front as I haven't met anyone who has made me pause in quite a while. Where the heck are intelligent, spiritual women hiding these days? I've discovered that working vampire hours isn't exactly conducive to mingling.

I now have a 2 year old [she just turned 2] in my life who talks non stop and I do mean non stop. Not even toddler garbled shit. I mean we are talking talking complete with "No way auntie". She still refers to herself in the third person but you know what, she can tell you wtf happened when she comes crying and that makes troubleshooting much much easier.

Moving on ... To those that do not read Black n Bougie, I really think you need to. It is one of the most entertaining and informative blogs out there so get to clicking. Relationship advice - check. Employment advice - check. An opinionated readership - double check. The comments in and of themselves are worth the click.

There is a new blogger on the (i)qwoc circuit [queer women of color (international / immigrant part optional)]. She blogs as The struggle within me. She is feeling her way around round this here queer thing so please click on over.

O and shoutout to my Ukranian reader who reached out to me via twitter.

Peace, Love, and Happiness.

Thursday Beat: Jessie J - Stand Up

Back to regularly scheduled programming. Blogging regularly should also resume shortly...

And if you don't reach for the moon you can't fall on the stars 

So I live my life like every day is the last, last, last

 

Why I am out

Aaah the last post of the year. These tend to be epic year end reviews but we'll deviate ever so slightly. I was recently asked why I was out. Now to say I was rendered speechless by the question would be the understatement of the year. I was truly thrown for a loop. While the question did not come out of left field it certainly was in the vicinity of left of center. I contemplated not answering it because I think that's a highly personal question for one and I'd also known that person for all of 2 hours [damn Megabus]. I thought about it further and decided to answer the question, not because I was under any obligation to answer it, but because it occurred to me that I'd never articulated [out loud anyway] why I made the decision to be out. So below you'll find my reasons...

Now before we hop into the reasons I'll go ahead and give you my definition of being out: it's when you publicly acknowledge your sexual orientation / gender identity. Now the word public is dependent on the individual. The acknowledgement could be verbal, through clothing, causes that you support etc.

I am out because it's important for the folks around me to know that queer people exist and are people that they know personally... think of it as putting a face to that queer thing that you keep hearing about. As odd as it may sound in this day and age, I have met quite a few people who think that they have never met / personally know a gay person. It is not my place to out people so I usually nod while at the back of my mind I'm thinking ummm your office manager has a wife and 2 kids, they are not just friends. I might check some of the stereotype boxes for queers but I also provide a different face in that I am queer and an immigrant. [ current running joke among some of my friends is that I check so many minority boxes that it would be in an organization's best interest to put me on the board to show diversity]

I'm out because I want to have genuine relationships with those around me. I spent many years trying to blend and had personas to suit each crowd that I hung with. After a while I realized that I was not reaping the full benefits of the relationships around me and decided to not leave parts of myself at home. My African, scholarly, queer and dorky selves were all coming with me and if someone didn't like it, tough.

I am out because it is important to be my authentic self [shoutout to Mama O]. I am comfortable with myself in masculine clothing which tends to be the queer giveaway once folks figure out that I'm not a guy. If I am blessed with kids, I want them to understand that who they are on the inside should match who they are on the outside. If you are in tune with yourself, it's slightly easier to navigate life. There is no faking it. Yes I take it harder when I'm rejected for being myself, but I also have fewer regrets in that I know that they might have accepted my "representative" but rejected me when they finally met the real me. I'd rather know before I am too heavily invested in a situation.

My seatmate and I had a lively discussion on being queer etc for the remainder of our journey and I'd like to think that I gave her something to think about in the same way that she did me.

Have a great New Year folks. May good health and good fortune be with you throughout the year.
Sláinte agus saol agat* - Health (good implied) and life (long implied) to you
Go mbeirimíd beo ar an am seo arís - May we be alive at this same time again
Libe lom' nyakomutsha omuhle lempil' ende - May you have a good new year and a long life

Tuesday Beat: Lights - Face Up

#Doccubus + Lights' Face Up = Awesomeness. Make it to 6 mins and it becomes officially NSFW.

 

Mid Fall Blues

Today the geeks celebrate a perfect binary day. By some fluke I happened to glance over at the clock this morning and it read 11:10 so ofcourse you know I waited for it to read 11/11/11 11:11:11.

Happy Veterans day to my peeps who have / are serving in the armed forces.

Now to the topic at hand. I am experiencing mid fall blues and can't seem to shake them. I got back home a week ago and I've been getting progressively more lethargic. Throw in the fact that I had a major exam to sit for this week and had to stack job interviews because of scheduling conflicts and I think I was long overdue for a body shut down. My mind called it a week yesterday and I feel extremely tired. I can't even drum up the energy to work on a site that I'm supposed to have finished next week. Bleh!

In other less depressing news, I have added something interesting to my bucket list. I want to hand build a cabin over a summer. I mentioned this to a friend and she just about died from oxygen deprivation courtesy of laughing really hard. For those who've never met me in person, know that I'm the scrawniest thing ever. I do however have more strength than is immediately apparent. SO the idea of me wielding power tools and messing with 6x6s will  probably be fodder for several jokes until I actually come round to building it in a couple of years.

Oooo and Ty jr maketh me proud. My niece managed to play the Halloween system and ended up with twice as much candy having walked only half the route. I am bummed out that I won't see her for Thanksgiving but hopefully I'll see her shortly afterwards.
Have a great weekend!

Life refracted

Salut! I've been super busy with conferences and the great job search. Being back in the Chi after all the time away has been a jolt to my system.

I miss my niece like crazy. I speak to her daily but it's not the same as being with her.

Being on regular people time has been an adjustment after spending months observing vampire hours.

Anyway I've been uber reflective these past few weeks and have found myself in a different head space. I decided to take Oprah's lifeclass --watch it if you get OWN-- and it's made me realize some things about myself. I also had an AHA moment after watching one of the lessons - the Terry McMillan class on letting go of anger. During the wee hours of the following day, I had an epiphany. I was still very angry about something that happened in my distant past and I had to let it go. I acknowledged it and took time to name the chain of events and let each part go. It was liberating. I hadn't thought about what carrying the baggage around was costing me emotionally, spiritually and physically.

Some mornings I wake up during the pre dawn hours. It's quiet. It's peaceful. The world hasn't imposed anything on my day. During these minutes of peace I get a chance to listen to myself, to reach into my subconscious mind and examine my thoughts without fear -- an internal fear, I scare myself out of really examining my life sometimes--. It's been an exercise in not judging myself and the choices that I made in the past and I'm beginning to see the other sides of myself through this. It's like looking at light as it refracts through a prism and choosing to see the entire rainbow spectrum in addition to the individual colors.

Final thought is a take home from Oprah's lifeclass: You become what you believe.

Tuesday Beat: Jessie J - Who You Are

This week's song is says it all - just be true to who you are.

Tuesday Beat: Lucy Pearl - Dance Tonight

One of my fave old school jams. Wonder where Saadiq is.

Giving myself permission

These past few months have been an eye opener of sorts and I've come to realize that I've been holding myself back. Both in the sense that I'm my own stumbling block as well as in the sense that I don't allow myself to do or experience things fully.

A year or so ago I decided that I would work towards living my life with no regrets. Not that I would do everything that I wanted, but that I would do what I felt was right for me when it felt right for me.

This summer I took a job that had nothing to do with my IT background, but gave me a chance to live life a little differently. I got to work and play hard while enjoying time with family. There was no pressure. I loved my job and the team that I worked with.

I loved spending time at the beach, out on the lake, parasailing and goofing around for no other reason other than that I could. It was exhilarating. It was like finding that part of me that I'd buried while trying to grow up and act like an adult. I still have a good bit of immaturity left in me and you know what, I am going to indulge that side of myself more often.

Spending time with my niece reminded me of what it felt like to live in the moment. We got into all sorts of things that we had no business doing. We walked around the stores playing with everything, we would play in rain puddles, chase each other around jumping on shadows, ... whatever struck our fancy really. What I came to realize is that in those moments, I was giving myself permission to be unconditionally happy.

I want to be happy but a part of me has a hard time getting on board with that because I feel that happiness has to be earned. Why earned, because that pretty much is what we are told in not soo many words ... don't believe me, watch the ads on tv. You can't skip to dessert you are always told. See I want to have dessert while enjoying my meal, not at the beginning and not at the end as the reward.

So I have given myself permission to be me, to dance in the rain when I feel like it, to hike my pants up and go splashing in puddle, to make snow angels, ... to do that which makes me happy not because I've earned it, but because it is what my spirit needs.

Would you or wouldn't you

An acquaintance of mine has been participating in some extra curricular activities with someone she shouldn't be. At this point it's an open secret-- facebook don't lie [Miss Cleo voice]-- but her girl doesn't know or chooses to ignore, I'm not sure which. Now a few nights ago I got a text asking me if I could say we had hung out on such n such a day if her girl asked to which I replied I couldn't. I said I couldn't not because my personal ethical code wouldn't let me, but because I was simply out of state which was something that could be verified easily --again facebook don't lie--.
So my question is thus, would you or would you not lie if such a matter were presented to you? Tweet back or comment or smoke signal... whatever works for ya.

Tuesday Beat: Double play Shalamar and Earth Wind & Fire

Do you remember the 21st night of September...
Earth Wind and Fire - September


 Shalamar - Night to Remember
 

Libraries and Lasses

So I was at the library minding my own business ... as all god stories start ... As I've been away from the Chi for the last couple of months, I've had to join a new library in order to keep up with my reading. Last week I stopped by to pick up my books and decided to peruse the new books shelf to see if there was anything that I was interested in reading.

As I was reaching for something on the top shelf I heard "I'd never have pegged you as the pink wearing type. I looked over and it was one of the lasses that I've gotten to know. Now it took me a second to figure out what she was talking about after which I replied "Laundry day".

Now you know I couldn't let it pass so I asked her what she had me down as - I should have known better I know-. Wee bonny lass went on to give me a damn thesis on the most common color of my undergarments including the cut... see what had happened was I usually skip belting my jeans so if I reach up you'll catch a glimpse of the color. You'd have to be super observant to nail the cut though.

Anyway surfice it to say I was 1- slightly mortified 2- mildly curious as to why she'd take the time to figure all this out. So being the gentle lass that I am I introduced myself properly and asked her how long it had taken to figure this out. Turns out she's been throwing an eye in my direction since the beginning of summer ... I thought she was just being friendly since she gave no indications of being queer when I tried to sneak stuff into the conversations. Anyway the lass alas can move no further than acquaintance as I'm leaving the area soon.

Which brings me to the title of the post ... what is it with me and meeting women in the library? She is the second person I've met out here at the library - the first one happened to work in the same company as I did and I don't like my personal life to overlap with my work life.