Life refracted

Salut! I've been super busy with conferences and the great job search. Being back in the Chi after all the time away has been a jolt to my system.

I miss my niece like crazy. I speak to her daily but it's not the same as being with her.

Being on regular people time has been an adjustment after spending months observing vampire hours.

Anyway I've been uber reflective these past few weeks and have found myself in a different head space. I decided to take Oprah's lifeclass --watch it if you get OWN-- and it's made me realize some things about myself. I also had an AHA moment after watching one of the lessons - the Terry McMillan class on letting go of anger. During the wee hours of the following day, I had an epiphany. I was still very angry about something that happened in my distant past and I had to let it go. I acknowledged it and took time to name the chain of events and let each part go. It was liberating. I hadn't thought about what carrying the baggage around was costing me emotionally, spiritually and physically.

Some mornings I wake up during the pre dawn hours. It's quiet. It's peaceful. The world hasn't imposed anything on my day. During these minutes of peace I get a chance to listen to myself, to reach into my subconscious mind and examine my thoughts without fear -- an internal fear, I scare myself out of really examining my life sometimes--. It's been an exercise in not judging myself and the choices that I made in the past and I'm beginning to see the other sides of myself through this. It's like looking at light as it refracts through a prism and choosing to see the entire rainbow spectrum in addition to the individual colors.

Final thought is a take home from Oprah's lifeclass: You become what you believe.

Tuesday Beat: Jessie J - Who You Are

This week's song is says it all - just be true to who you are.

Tuesday Beat: Lucy Pearl - Dance Tonight

One of my fave old school jams. Wonder where Saadiq is.

Giving myself permission

These past few months have been an eye opener of sorts and I've come to realize that I've been holding myself back. Both in the sense that I'm my own stumbling block as well as in the sense that I don't allow myself to do or experience things fully.

A year or so ago I decided that I would work towards living my life with no regrets. Not that I would do everything that I wanted, but that I would do what I felt was right for me when it felt right for me.

This summer I took a job that had nothing to do with my IT background, but gave me a chance to live life a little differently. I got to work and play hard while enjoying time with family. There was no pressure. I loved my job and the team that I worked with.

I loved spending time at the beach, out on the lake, parasailing and goofing around for no other reason other than that I could. It was exhilarating. It was like finding that part of me that I'd buried while trying to grow up and act like an adult. I still have a good bit of immaturity left in me and you know what, I am going to indulge that side of myself more often.

Spending time with my niece reminded me of what it felt like to live in the moment. We got into all sorts of things that we had no business doing. We walked around the stores playing with everything, we would play in rain puddles, chase each other around jumping on shadows, ... whatever struck our fancy really. What I came to realize is that in those moments, I was giving myself permission to be unconditionally happy.

I want to be happy but a part of me has a hard time getting on board with that because I feel that happiness has to be earned. Why earned, because that pretty much is what we are told in not soo many words ... don't believe me, watch the ads on tv. You can't skip to dessert you are always told. See I want to have dessert while enjoying my meal, not at the beginning and not at the end as the reward.

So I have given myself permission to be me, to dance in the rain when I feel like it, to hike my pants up and go splashing in puddle, to make snow angels, ... to do that which makes me happy not because I've earned it, but because it is what my spirit needs.

Would you or wouldn't you

An acquaintance of mine has been participating in some extra curricular activities with someone she shouldn't be. At this point it's an open secret-- facebook don't lie [Miss Cleo voice]-- but her girl doesn't know or chooses to ignore, I'm not sure which. Now a few nights ago I got a text asking me if I could say we had hung out on such n such a day if her girl asked to which I replied I couldn't. I said I couldn't not because my personal ethical code wouldn't let me, but because I was simply out of state which was something that could be verified easily --again facebook don't lie--.
So my question is thus, would you or would you not lie if such a matter were presented to you? Tweet back or comment or smoke signal... whatever works for ya.