Well quarter is over yet again and I'm that much closer to graduation amongst other things. Awesome! Approaching graduation also has me sweating a few things like where will I live, work etc. If I get the job with the AfDB or SADB I'm relocating back to the motherland, so that I can do that which I'm good at in order to help bring about change. The prospect of that move in all honesty has me worried. Some of my concerns are valid while others are really BS concerns. The main one for this post revolves around my sexuality.
Going back to the place where being gay will earn you quality time in prison scares the shit out of me. I am gay from 100 ft (no I do not have rainbows all over the place) and switching it up is not something I'm looking forward to. I am called sir more times than I am called ma'am moreso now that I've cut my hair. How the hell am I supposed to switch that up? And do I want to switch it up? I promised myself that I was not going to go back into the closet yet here I am considering it. I guess I'll have to find a happy medium somewhere.
I'm 25 (well 26 in a few weeks) and single. As I've mentioned in a previous post I have no problem with this. Problem is I'm heading to a culture where it is not quite usual. A good many of my friends who stayed home are now happily tethered. Those that live abroad make up a 50/50 mix of singletons and tethered. What will be my excuse for being single? And trust you me I need to have a good one.
Next up is the dating thing and other basic human needs. For the 1st year I'll probably be fine single and living like a nun. Done it before no big deal. Second year something will have to give. The people that I've spoken to online say a 3 year stint is no hardship since you have time off and can go home or wherever. So I'll trust their wisdom in that respect.
My other option is to find a job with a Non Governmental Organization this side and go on missions. That way I'd be based out here (preferably in Canada) and work out there on shorter rotations. This is my cop-out solution that I think is the woosiest of my options. I really should be able to stand up and go face the challenges head on. Many people have done it and lived to tell so why should I be exception that can't handle the challenge?
Aaaarghhhh this type of thinking is the reason why I won't ever be a person of note or make a difference in the world. I am selfish and want everything to benefit me. If I can get past that and see the good that I'll do while I'm working out there, the decision of where I should be focusing my plans should be clearer.
Bah! We'll see where I end up in September of this year (I'm putting my money on me having a work visa and living in a city where more people speak French than English and having a job that I love). I'll keep applying to jobs and interviewing and trust that my gut will tell me where I need to focus.
Ty
2 comments:
Those are very valid concerns...and scary too...good luck mademoiselle!
damn. i dunno. i am really selfish too, but i'm thinking that the fact that you're even considering putting up wiht a limiting lifestyle, so that others will benefit, means you're not that selfish. i think it is absolutely reasonable (and still commendable) that you are also considering paths that will still yield results but not require so much 'faking it' on your account. i've been thinking of some lies you could use to explain your solitude, haha. is your mom states-bound? (if not, ignore the rest of this) what does she think of you working somewhere in africa right when she is on the way west?
sheena
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