Why I am out

Aaah the last post of the year. These tend to be epic year end reviews but we'll deviate ever so slightly. I was recently asked why I was out. Now to say I was rendered speechless by the question would be the understatement of the year. I was truly thrown for a loop. While the question did not come out of left field it certainly was in the vicinity of left of center. I contemplated not answering it because I think that's a highly personal question for one and I'd also known that person for all of 2 hours [damn Megabus]. I thought about it further and decided to answer the question, not because I was under any obligation to answer it, but because it occurred to me that I'd never articulated [out loud anyway] why I made the decision to be out. So below you'll find my reasons...

Now before we hop into the reasons I'll go ahead and give you my definition of being out: it's when you publicly acknowledge your sexual orientation / gender identity. Now the word public is dependent on the individual. The acknowledgement could be verbal, through clothing, causes that you support etc.

I am out because it's important for the folks around me to know that queer people exist and are people that they know personally... think of it as putting a face to that queer thing that you keep hearing about. As odd as it may sound in this day and age, I have met quite a few people who think that they have never met / personally know a gay person. It is not my place to out people so I usually nod while at the back of my mind I'm thinking ummm your office manager has a wife and 2 kids, they are not just friends. I might check some of the stereotype boxes for queers but I also provide a different face in that I am queer and an immigrant. [ current running joke among some of my friends is that I check so many minority boxes that it would be in an organization's best interest to put me on the board to show diversity]

I'm out because I want to have genuine relationships with those around me. I spent many years trying to blend and had personas to suit each crowd that I hung with. After a while I realized that I was not reaping the full benefits of the relationships around me and decided to not leave parts of myself at home. My African, scholarly, queer and dorky selves were all coming with me and if someone didn't like it, tough.

I am out because it is important to be my authentic self [shoutout to Mama O]. I am comfortable with myself in masculine clothing which tends to be the queer giveaway once folks figure out that I'm not a guy. If I am blessed with kids, I want them to understand that who they are on the inside should match who they are on the outside. If you are in tune with yourself, it's slightly easier to navigate life. There is no faking it. Yes I take it harder when I'm rejected for being myself, but I also have fewer regrets in that I know that they might have accepted my "representative" but rejected me when they finally met the real me. I'd rather know before I am too heavily invested in a situation.

My seatmate and I had a lively discussion on being queer etc for the remainder of our journey and I'd like to think that I gave her something to think about in the same way that she did me.

Have a great New Year folks. May good health and good fortune be with you throughout the year.
Sláinte agus saol agat* - Health (good implied) and life (long implied) to you
Go mbeirimíd beo ar an am seo arís - May we be alive at this same time again
Libe lom' nyakomutsha omuhle lempil' ende - May you have a good new year and a long life

Tuesday Beat: Lights - Face Up

#Doccubus + Lights' Face Up = Awesomeness. Make it to 6 mins and it becomes officially NSFW.

 

Mid Fall Blues

Today the geeks celebrate a perfect binary day. By some fluke I happened to glance over at the clock this morning and it read 11:10 so ofcourse you know I waited for it to read 11/11/11 11:11:11.

Happy Veterans day to my peeps who have / are serving in the armed forces.

Now to the topic at hand. I am experiencing mid fall blues and can't seem to shake them. I got back home a week ago and I've been getting progressively more lethargic. Throw in the fact that I had a major exam to sit for this week and had to stack job interviews because of scheduling conflicts and I think I was long overdue for a body shut down. My mind called it a week yesterday and I feel extremely tired. I can't even drum up the energy to work on a site that I'm supposed to have finished next week. Bleh!

In other less depressing news, I have added something interesting to my bucket list. I want to hand build a cabin over a summer. I mentioned this to a friend and she just about died from oxygen deprivation courtesy of laughing really hard. For those who've never met me in person, know that I'm the scrawniest thing ever. I do however have more strength than is immediately apparent. SO the idea of me wielding power tools and messing with 6x6s will  probably be fodder for several jokes until I actually come round to building it in a couple of years.

Oooo and Ty jr maketh me proud. My niece managed to play the Halloween system and ended up with twice as much candy having walked only half the route. I am bummed out that I won't see her for Thanksgiving but hopefully I'll see her shortly afterwards.
Have a great weekend!

Life refracted

Salut! I've been super busy with conferences and the great job search. Being back in the Chi after all the time away has been a jolt to my system.

I miss my niece like crazy. I speak to her daily but it's not the same as being with her.

Being on regular people time has been an adjustment after spending months observing vampire hours.

Anyway I've been uber reflective these past few weeks and have found myself in a different head space. I decided to take Oprah's lifeclass --watch it if you get OWN-- and it's made me realize some things about myself. I also had an AHA moment after watching one of the lessons - the Terry McMillan class on letting go of anger. During the wee hours of the following day, I had an epiphany. I was still very angry about something that happened in my distant past and I had to let it go. I acknowledged it and took time to name the chain of events and let each part go. It was liberating. I hadn't thought about what carrying the baggage around was costing me emotionally, spiritually and physically.

Some mornings I wake up during the pre dawn hours. It's quiet. It's peaceful. The world hasn't imposed anything on my day. During these minutes of peace I get a chance to listen to myself, to reach into my subconscious mind and examine my thoughts without fear -- an internal fear, I scare myself out of really examining my life sometimes--. It's been an exercise in not judging myself and the choices that I made in the past and I'm beginning to see the other sides of myself through this. It's like looking at light as it refracts through a prism and choosing to see the entire rainbow spectrum in addition to the individual colors.

Final thought is a take home from Oprah's lifeclass: You become what you believe.

Tuesday Beat: Jessie J - Who You Are

This week's song is says it all - just be true to who you are.

Tuesday Beat: Lucy Pearl - Dance Tonight

One of my fave old school jams. Wonder where Saadiq is.

Giving myself permission

These past few months have been an eye opener of sorts and I've come to realize that I've been holding myself back. Both in the sense that I'm my own stumbling block as well as in the sense that I don't allow myself to do or experience things fully.

A year or so ago I decided that I would work towards living my life with no regrets. Not that I would do everything that I wanted, but that I would do what I felt was right for me when it felt right for me.

This summer I took a job that had nothing to do with my IT background, but gave me a chance to live life a little differently. I got to work and play hard while enjoying time with family. There was no pressure. I loved my job and the team that I worked with.

I loved spending time at the beach, out on the lake, parasailing and goofing around for no other reason other than that I could. It was exhilarating. It was like finding that part of me that I'd buried while trying to grow up and act like an adult. I still have a good bit of immaturity left in me and you know what, I am going to indulge that side of myself more often.

Spending time with my niece reminded me of what it felt like to live in the moment. We got into all sorts of things that we had no business doing. We walked around the stores playing with everything, we would play in rain puddles, chase each other around jumping on shadows, ... whatever struck our fancy really. What I came to realize is that in those moments, I was giving myself permission to be unconditionally happy.

I want to be happy but a part of me has a hard time getting on board with that because I feel that happiness has to be earned. Why earned, because that pretty much is what we are told in not soo many words ... don't believe me, watch the ads on tv. You can't skip to dessert you are always told. See I want to have dessert while enjoying my meal, not at the beginning and not at the end as the reward.

So I have given myself permission to be me, to dance in the rain when I feel like it, to hike my pants up and go splashing in puddle, to make snow angels, ... to do that which makes me happy not because I've earned it, but because it is what my spirit needs.

Would you or wouldn't you

An acquaintance of mine has been participating in some extra curricular activities with someone she shouldn't be. At this point it's an open secret-- facebook don't lie [Miss Cleo voice]-- but her girl doesn't know or chooses to ignore, I'm not sure which. Now a few nights ago I got a text asking me if I could say we had hung out on such n such a day if her girl asked to which I replied I couldn't. I said I couldn't not because my personal ethical code wouldn't let me, but because I was simply out of state which was something that could be verified easily --again facebook don't lie--.
So my question is thus, would you or would you not lie if such a matter were presented to you? Tweet back or comment or smoke signal... whatever works for ya.

Tuesday Beat: Double play Shalamar and Earth Wind & Fire

Do you remember the 21st night of September...
Earth Wind and Fire - September


 Shalamar - Night to Remember
 

Libraries and Lasses

So I was at the library minding my own business ... as all god stories start ... As I've been away from the Chi for the last couple of months, I've had to join a new library in order to keep up with my reading. Last week I stopped by to pick up my books and decided to peruse the new books shelf to see if there was anything that I was interested in reading.

As I was reaching for something on the top shelf I heard "I'd never have pegged you as the pink wearing type. I looked over and it was one of the lasses that I've gotten to know. Now it took me a second to figure out what she was talking about after which I replied "Laundry day".

Now you know I couldn't let it pass so I asked her what she had me down as - I should have known better I know-. Wee bonny lass went on to give me a damn thesis on the most common color of my undergarments including the cut... see what had happened was I usually skip belting my jeans so if I reach up you'll catch a glimpse of the color. You'd have to be super observant to nail the cut though.

Anyway surfice it to say I was 1- slightly mortified 2- mildly curious as to why she'd take the time to figure all this out. So being the gentle lass that I am I introduced myself properly and asked her how long it had taken to figure this out. Turns out she's been throwing an eye in my direction since the beginning of summer ... I thought she was just being friendly since she gave no indications of being queer when I tried to sneak stuff into the conversations. Anyway the lass alas can move no further than acquaintance as I'm leaving the area soon.

Which brings me to the title of the post ... what is it with me and meeting women in the library? She is the second person I've met out here at the library - the first one happened to work in the same company as I did and I don't like my personal life to overlap with my work life.

Goapele - Play

Looks like I'm back

Hmmm I think my schedule is about to open up and I should be able to start blogging fairly regularly again ... til then enjoy a song I've been loving for a bit. Adele -Someone Like You

Is it Saturday yet?

I am going to blame my absences on my brutal work schedule and leave it at that. Going from self employed to being on someone else's payroll = giving up some freedoms.
Soooo how are the women looking out there? Where I am all I gotta say is dear Lord forgive me for I have sinned and unfortunately will continue to at the going rate. Yes there is a platter of eye candy which you would think at my age I am immune to. Nope no such luck. If you can't find someone that catches your eye here I'd recommend joining a convent. I met a lad while shopping for some body jewelery who proceeded to school me on the gay scene out here. Consider me prepped and in the know.
I am not exactly out at work but I think a few have it figured out esp the schedule maker. I have a late start on gay day and on pride which are days when I would normally have an early start.
Hmmm onto more serious news, I was quite saddened to hear of the passing of MaSisule, one of South Africa's finest. The woman had a will of steel and the discipline that many of us strive for. May she rest in peace.
Have a great weekend folks!

Now to start unpacking

Hey folks,
How are y'all doing this fine week? Happy, tired, hungry ... [insert mood here]? After a rollercoaster week I must say I find myself fairly relaxed today. Had time to do some car maintenance ... you know I'm not afraid of a little grease ... as well as hang out with fam.

• I recently relocated from the Windy and have started my new job. Should be an interesting summer by the looks of things.
• I love having friends who are down for a night of chilling and not doing anything. I had missed that aspect of my life and look forward to building a better harmony between the activities in my life. 
• I was watching mama Oprah's all time favorite guests and saw the segments with Dr Tererai Trent, a fellow country woman of mine. She overcame adversity and found her way to the US to pursue her educational goals. She recently earned her doctorate and is working to build a school in her village in Hurungwe. She is selling tshirts as part of her fundraising efforts and I encourage you to support her worthy efforts to educate her fellow villagers. [I know mama O donated $1.5 million to help with the project, but we all know education ain't cheap and every extra dollar helps.]
• O and shout out to SweetT who came out to her mama last weekend. You go girl!
• And finally Happy Birthday to the future Mrs Ty aka White Orchid.

Another step

... and so life keep moving, evolving and revealing it's mysteries.
Selah.

Hmmm

Greetings, salutations, the Lexus and the Olive Tree (business and pol sci folks should know the book).
It has been a while since I've taken time to sit and write something. Call it laziness or a forced sabbatical. In the 2 months that I've been away, soo much has taken place that I'm not even sure I have fully absorbed the changes.
I'm still quasi spoken for. The phrase it's complicated doesn't even begin to explain the situation. Word to the wise, look before you jump - in fact look twice.
I'm doing what I love to do. I decided to go against the grain and general advice and stick to the area of IT that I like - the paycheck is non existent but I love doing it.
You know you're in a different place in your life when you have time marked off on your calendar to attend to some fraying edges and buttons that fell off during the week.
O I turned 28 in the interim and I must say the late 20s have been interesting thus far. For my birthday, I dressed my niece as a mini me and we got our pimp stroll on. That kid is a flirt and our pick-up mojo is sync. Yessir, whichever team she ends up batting for needs to watch out.
Y'all have a great weekend folks!

Delta Goodrem - Last Night on Earth

And we're back ...

The thing about family is

That you don't get to choose them most of the time. They choose you and you are stuck with them for life. That hold true for everyone. What equally holds true is that we are able to build "families" of our own as we grow. These are the people who've supported us, who are kindred spirits and those who we know, if at 2am you need some advice about a break-up, they will not cuss you out proper.

I have had the great fortune to be able to choose my family and most of them live in the Buckeye state. There are people there that I literally call mom because they have been my mothers throughout the years and I am grateful to them. They've given me that motherly love that I have needed at times when I would have been hard pressed to get it from my blood family.

Now why did I feel the need to put it down, well one of these fine women who I call mother is Irish American and I've been invited over for a wee bit of a family gathering with lots of dancing promised as only the Irish can do.

So Happy St Paddy's day to you folks and especially to the woman that is a mother to me and happens to be Irish. :)

Tuesday Beat: Sugarland - Love

Sugarland takes me back to the days in sunny OH when I finally gave in and started listening to @1037cky or Buckeye Country as it was called back then. I love, love, love Jennifer Nettles' voice. If you love her voice you should check out her CD An Acoustic Evening with Jennifer Nettles II.

Francesca Battistelli- Free To Be Me (Acoustic)

Freedom to be ones self is one of the greatest gifts in life.

Tuesday Beat: Marsha Ambrosius - Far Away

Tuesday Beat: Doria Roberts - Perfect

The return of randomness

Happy Chinese New Year!

• Am back home after a lil jaunt across a few states and as luck would have it, I got back in time for the Chi blizzard. Lots and lots of snow == snow days, snow angels and snow fights. My inner child had way too much fun out there.
• Lots going on in the world no? Protests against governments abound, Cyclones in Australia, the murder of the LGBT actvist in Uganda, Snowpocalypse and all sorts of other hot messes. What in all tarnations is the world coming to?
• For Grey's Anatomy fans, how did you like last night's Calzona moments? In the name of full disclosure I should probably mention that I watched only the Calzona scenes on YT this morning. My fave was the first ultrasound scene which yielded gems such as as "Lesbian lover, baby daddy" when Callie was explaining who Sloan and Arizona were and "Sing it" when Arizona was responding to the doctor's orders of no sex. I am seeing a super shitstorm on approach for Calzona.
• Ever so slowly things are changing in my life. My months without full time employment have been put to fairly good use. Lots of on the job training in disaster response tech... you either sink or swim and sinking is not an option for me.
• Random conversation excerpt - Her: So what languages do you speak? Me: English. H: Yea but you are not from here so what else do you speak? Me [with a straight face]: American. H: Huh? For real? - Why people are thrown by that answer is beyond me. I contend that if Cockney and Ebonics are considered different, then British English and American English should get the same status.

Enjoy the Superbowl matchup!

Tuesday Beat: The Unwinding Hours - Solstice

Beautiful acoustic songs
Solstice


Let You Down

Random Beat: Beyonce - He Still Loves Me [Fighting Temptations Soundtrack]

O the joys of loving women

Today I wended my way to service because I needed to have a word with the Lord in person ... yeah He's everywhere but you know there are times when only  a church pew will do for the conversation you want to have with Him. And you know you really want to have said conversation if you are willing to battle a -4F wind chill and black ice.

So what great conversation did I wish to have? Well it was merely to apologize for having the impurest of thoughts when it comes to women ... and a few other things. Well it's 3 ladies in particular.

One is spoken for [the Lord did say thou shalt not covert another man's wife].

The second is technically no longer spoken for and is therefore fair game in theory. I gotta praise the Lord every time I see her... the Lord was good to her.

The third is sorta betrothed. Sorta because someone sorta asked and a maybe was sorta given but distance [many timezones] and faithfulness are major factors that might result in it all going the way of the dodo.

Now being a practicing [who invented this word] celibate and all, my imagination on the other hand is making full use of it's right to entertain me with the thoughts of these 3 ladies.

Sometimes I think I am single-handedly giving queer Christians a very bad name. I have surely earned an all expenses paid trip to Hades.

Random Post: I e-Paint

Soo a random fact about me: when I get stressed out and need to get out of myself I e-paint. I break out Photoshop or GIMP and have at it - I love working on flame fractals. It's excellent therapy with a relatively low cost. I normally don't show anyone my work because the color and design choices tend to show more of what's going on internally than I am willing to admit. Anyway last night I couldn't sleep so I spent some quality time with Autodesk Homestyler. Below are the results for my proposed lil bungalow by the ocean.

Tuesday Beat: Kirk Franklin - Stomp

Just because I'm feeling the song like that ...

Tuesday Beat: Coupe Decale variations

Ivory Coast and DRC in the house. Old songs that still get people on the dancefloor.
JEFF BOGOLOBANGO - Ramatoulaye [Aladji]


TEEYAH - On Va Gagner


JESSY MATADOR - "Décalé Gwada"


If you have an extra moment check out two Asian lads breaking it down to DJ Kedjevara's Tchoukou tchoukou which is also under the coupe decale umbrella. They are positively killing it.

Back to Chi, Back to Reality

Sooooooo .... How were the holidays really? Great ? Awesome? Stressful? Hard on the wallet?

• I am back home and it's time for me to get down to business. Feb 5 is coming up and that is the end of my 90days of turn around. We'll see how much progress I've made by then.
• K updates on the ladies ... the librarian might be back on the market. Would I be wrong if I put in my sales pitch now? Recall the new lass that I got called out for mentioning, well we continue to be friends, no more no less. And my ex is now firmly back in the mix. Life is never boring. :).
• Speaking of no shortage of entertainment, my niece never ceases to amaze me. Her antics had me laughing and smiling daily while her ability to grasp concepts related to tech had me concerned she will surpass me by the time she's 5. Kids of today know how to work touch toys ... at her age all I had was my bear and a chew toy to help with the teething. I couldn't even begin to think of how to work the house rotary phone.
• I sometimes ask myself what is reality and what is in my head... I see things a little differently from everyone else. Come to think of it, having a different perspective on things is probably one of my greatest assets. 

Because I'm a Lion King fan I present one of my fave scenes "Shenzi Marie Predatorra Veldetta Jackalina Hyena, will you do me the honor of becoming.... my bride?"

Reflecting on MMX

A Happy New Year to you my fellow bloggers and readers. Tis hard to believe MMXI is finally here. I had the great fortune of ringing in the new year with my family and am grateful for that. Family means a great deal to me and every moment that I get to spend with them is one that I cherish.

2010 was a year with a lot of ups and downs on the personal front. The 1st half of the year was great and I fireballed the second half - we are talking bonfire leading to ash. My life as I knew it went out of the window and I am in the process of starting things over. It's funny how the things I thought I could not live without have now been relegated to the luxury list. I hope that I have learnt enough to not make the same mistakes twice. May I continue to see the good in people and believe that people change.

In the news of 2010, I would have to say that the story that I considered the most inspirational was that of the Chilean miners who were trapped underground for more than 2 months. That story unfortunately also provided what I considered the  most chuckle worthy story of the year, that is, that of the miner with a wife and mistress. The moral of the miner's story was that one should always inform the mistress of her place in society.

The oil spill in the gulf was an an example of what not to do. Almost 5 million gallons of crude oil were released into the gulf due to a series of mistakes as well as trial and erroresque fixes.

The Haitian quake at the beginning of the year was also a story of note as it brought together people from all walks of life in a bid to aid those struck by the disaster. The technology community came together to form camps where solutions were developed and deployed real time.

Speaking of technology, who can forget the introduction of the ipad. The lil tablet was the butt of numerous jokes due to its name but it has become a very handy item to have. Even I, who thought it an impractical device to have, have had a change of heart. I am an equal opportunity techie and use Blackberry, Apple and Android products so I can't wait for a decent Android tablet to come along - I already have an iOS product.

I would be remiss if I didn't mention Julian Assange's Wikileaks brouhaha. That he was finally brought in under the crime of Sex by Surprise made for an interesting story to follow.

O let us not forget that the world cup of 2010 was won by the Vuvuzelas. The Spaniards were the runner ups.